We’re All Sentenced to Gay Marriage

by Jason Lightner June 28th, 2013 | Independent Ideas
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scotusI thought this article was going to be about the NSA. I thought we were going to continue to talk about how that traitorous Edward Snowden fled to Communist Moscow after hiding out in Socialist Hong Kong. You see, Edward Snowden is no patriot: He doesn’t appreciate freedom. The United States Government needs its freedom to be able to read the public’s email, to be able to gather intelligence on the citizenry’s phone calls, and to push its agenda of creeping Democracy on other sovereign nations. Our Government — your Government — needs this freedom in order to combat terrorism. The terrorists hate us for our freedoms, and when our righteous Government is finally able to remove the people’s shackles of freedom, we will no longer be slaves to the terrorists. This is why now, more than ever, our troops need to be in enemy territory, for only through the might of the World’s Largest Military™ can we achieve peace.

Unfortunately, our pot-smoking, liberal, tree-hugging Supreme Court had to go and screw it all up. Now we’ve got to talk about icky gay marriage.

Am I reading the news correctly? Are people actually pleased that, in a 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court declared the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional? This is a sad day for America, indeed. When our own Federal Government can’t even control the laws of marriage, a sacred vow between a man and woman, it’s a sign that societal norms are evolving out of the Dark Ages. This should scare most Americans, as the Supreme Court should be following the teachings of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who insisted that gay men and women were to be stoned just like the hippies who protested against the stock market.

From Justice Kennedy’s delivery:

“DOMA writes inequality into the entire United States Code. The particular case at hand concerns the estate tax, but DOMA is more than a simple determination of what should or should not be allowed as an estate tax refund. Among the over 1,000 statutes and numerous federal regulations that DOMA controls are laws pertaining to Social Security, housing, taxes, criminal sanctions, copyright, and veterans’ benefits.”

Look, we’re not saying that gay people are unequal. They can be as equal as everyone else. They just need to stop choosing to be gay and get a real marriage, then they can be equal.

“DOMA undermines both the public and private significance of state-sanctioned same-sex marriages; for it tells those couples, and all the world, that their otherwise valid marriages are unworthy of federal recognition. This places same-sex couples in an unstable position of being in a second-tier marriage. The differentiation demeans the couple, whose moral and sexual choices the Constitution protects, and whose relationship the State has sought to dignify. And it humiliates tens of thousands of children now being raised by same-sex couples. The law in question makes it even more difficult for the children to understand the integrity and closeness of their own family and its concord with other families in their community and in their daily lives.”

Well I guess that seals it. The next thing they’ll tell us is that State sodomy laws are unconstitutional as well. This is proof-positive that the Government is simply getting too big to fail. We need less Government telling the Government what it can’t do to protect us straight people from being able to have as many marriages, and divorces, and marriages, and divorces, and marriages, and divorces, and marriages as we want without having to see gay people having even one marriage. That is our right as patriotic Americans, and Big Government shouldn’t be allowed to offend us.  After all, the First Amendment to the U.S.S. Constitution says that we have the freedom of speech, and the freedom of religion. How can I have the freedom of religion if the Supreme Court is offending our Lord with their speech?

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