Hi. It’s me, your old pal the United States. We’ve been friends for a long time. In fact, I remember the day you first became a country. I’ve seen you grow up. I was so proud the day I saw you quell your first insurgency. It’s hard for me to believe that you’re over sixty years old already.
But now, well, I’ve got a new president, and I’m doing things a little differently. I don’t know how else to say this, but I no longer have your back. We’re still friends and all, but I’m trying to also be friends with the Muslim countries all around you, and most of them want you dead.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking their side. I want you to exist. I was just thinking maybe you’d give parts of yourself away. I’m sure that the Palestinians will be very grateful with their own little homeland and will immediately cease in their wishing death upon you and all that. It’s not like they’d be ungrateful enough to want more once you’ve given them a little something.
And look, just because my new president says Iran has the right to have nuclear power doesn’t mean that I want them to use it to wipe you off the map. I think if we ask real nice, they’ll only use it to provide power to orphanages and baby milk factories. Iran is just a bully. He’ll leave you alone if you just ignore him. There is no way that he’ll use the technology to build a nuclear weapon and destroy you. Yes, I know that’s what his president said he’d do, but I’m sure Iran will behave. Maybe he’ll even be friends with you someday.
So, good luck with the whole “not getting wiped off the face of the earth” thing. I’m rooting for you. Really. Not out loud you understand. I don’t want to upset my new friends. But deep down inside, I’m pulling for you. But you’ll understand if I ask you to keep it just between us, right?