The Nobel Prize
Camp Campaign has procured an exclusive transcript of the deliberations between Hans Dorfenshalter and Heinrich Waldendoof, two members of the Nobel Prize selection committee. This conversation, secretly recorded and painstakingly transcribed, details some of the heretofore unknown thought process that goes into selecting an individual for the prestigious Nobel Prize.
HANS: Heinrich, are you enjoying the illegal drugs and prostitutes that were provided for us?
HEINRICH: Oh, yes, Hans. I am.
HANS: I was thinking, our all-expense paid week in the hotel is almost up, so maybe we’d better pick a winner for the Peace Prize.
HEINRICH: Oh, yeah. I was thinking about that. We should give it to Barack Obama.
HANS: Oh, I love me some Barack Obama.
HEINRICH: Well, who doesn’t?
HANS: But don’t we have to, like, give a reason or something?
HEINRICH: He’s Barack Obama. What more reason do you need?
HANS: Good point. But we’ve got to put something on the form that we turn in.
HEINRICH: How about, he, you know, died for our sins and rose again?
HANS: He did that?
HEINRICH: I think so.
HANS: Oh, man. I hate fact checking.
HEINRICH: I know. Maybe we better come up with something completely unverifiable.
HANS: Like?
HEINRICH: He, you know, changed the perceptions of America…
HANS: Yeah, and he, um, brought the whole world together as…
HEINRICH: As…
HANS: How about just “brought the whole world together”?
HEINRICH: I love it!
HANS: But…
HEINRICH: What is it now?
HANS: But he didn’t really do anything… yet, I mean. Maybe we should wait until next year.
HEINRICH: What are you, a neocon?
HANS: I don’t think so. What’s a “neocon”?
HEINRICH: Someone who questions Obama. You know, Right-wingers, pro-lifers, conservative Jews…
HANS: I’m just saying maybe we should wait until he actually accomplishes…
HEINRICH: Racist! You hate black people!
HANS: No, no, I… I was just playing “Devil’s advocate”. You know, like when they pick the pope?
HEINRICH: They do that?
HANS: It was in “The DaVinci Code”.
HEINRICH: Well, now that that’s settled. Let’s pick a winner for Physics.
HANS: OK. I’ve narrowed down the short list to Michael Jackson or Michael Moore.
